Real quick...

Had a thought in the car today while cursing the morons who text and drive.  (You know what's fun?  Pull up along side of them and then blare your horn.)  So here's the thing...people use LOL when texting.  I don't.  Ever.  But some do.  It means Laugh or Laughing Out Loud.  Nobody is actually laughing when they use this.  Lying bastards.  LOL is a cute little acronym but utterly stupid.  If you find a text humorous, why wouldn't you simply reply with "HA"?  An existing, shorter word that has a glimmer of intelligence behind it?  The same rings true with OMG (Oh My God).  Why not just use "AH"?  And for WTF (you know what it means), use "HUH?".  I'm a huge fan of keeping things simple.  And seriously, have you ever laughed your ass off (LMAO) or found yourself rolling on the floor laughing (ROFL)?  You have not, so stop using these idiotic expressions.  Thank you, and good night.

War is hell...duh.

If someone becomes a firefighter, it's reasonable to assume that one day, they will be required to fight a fire.  If someone becomes a cop, they might be a victim of criminal violence.  When's the last time you heard of any cop or firefighter or any member of their family bemoan the dangers involved with these vocations?  You don't.  Why?  Because it would be stupid.  You don't hear, "I joined the fire department but didn't think they'd send me to battle deadly fires."  Neither do you hear, "I wanted to be a police officer but didn't expect to be sent in to stop armed robbers or drunken wife beaters."  You don't ever hear such things because these folks and their loved ones know the risks.

So why is it that we hear so much complaining and protesting from the families of soldiers and even from the soldiers themselves?  "Sure, I joined the National Guard but I didn't expect to be deployed, didn't expect to be asked to guard our nation."  "My child shouldn't have to fight in such an unpopular war."  Or even, "My child died for nothing."  This attitude is an insult to the memory of those who sacrified themselves for our country. 

I'm a left-wing liberal and not really a fan of America's current military actions.  However...one of my best friends served a year in Afghanistan.  His patrol was attacked by a suicide bomber, and he still carries shrapnel in his body.  It never crossed his or my mind to complain about his orders or about the war in general.  I was pissed at the bomber, not our politicians.  My friend knew the risks when he joined the reserves and I know he knew.  It was his choice.  I don't have to like the war, but I'll be damned if I'll lessen his accomplishment by bitching about it. 

Can't afford to be sick.

I'm not going to complain about the health care system, although it certainly does need complaining about.  Nor will I complain about the greedy drug companies, even though they most definitely need to be complained about.  No, my complaint is about something so insidious, you probably never even thought about it. 

I went to the store to buy a thermometer as I haven't been feeling well.  I wanted your basic, glass and mercury job that have been used by moms for generations.  The kind that cost about a buck.  I searched and searched.  Nothing.  So I asked at the pharmacy.  I was informed they're no longer made as they pose a threat to the environment and to children if they break.  When did this happen?  Have people been breaking their thermometers and dumping the mercury into the water supply or spiking their kids' Lucky Charms with it?  There are reclamation sites for every heavy metal in every town nowadays.  What's really going on? 

When I couldn't purchase my dollar thermometer, I was forced to purchase a digital one for over six bucks.  It was the cheapest available.  I think the companies who make thermometers dreamed up this scheme and are using scare tactics in order to fleece the public.  What else can we do except buy the digital ones?  Go to the doctor?  Yeah, right.  That'd be cheaper.

Uncontrolled Stupidity

Do you know what an uncontrolled intersection is?  Of course you do.  It's an intersection of streets where there are no stop or yield signs nor stoplights.  Do you know what to do when you approach one of these intersections?  Sure you do.  You barrel through it without checking the cross street and pray no one is coming.  Well, that's what everyone in Sioux Falls does.  I swear, I want to buy a cheap truck and just drive around T-boning these idiots.  In case you're interested, you yield to the car on your right.  Are you listening Sioux Falls? 

Stupid enough for ya?

There are words misused in the English language that make me crazy, and then there are phrases that make me want to climb a clock tower with a high-power rifle.  See if you don't disagree...

A certain percentage of the human population feels it’s perfectly fine to ask the question, “Hot enough for ya?”  To these people, and you know who they are, I suggest replying as follows:  “Nah.  I’m not happy unless my innards are boiling, my hair bursts into flames, and my genitalia explode...you freakin' moron.”  Another favorite reply is, "No.  It's not hot enough unless fat guys are making their own gravy."  Either way, I guarantee they will never ask you that again. 

At your place of work, there are those who periodically find their way over to you and ask, “Are we having fun yet?”  If you can manage to resist the urge to stab them in the throat with a letter opener, I recommend saying, “Not as much fun as I had with your wife yesterday afternoon.  Boy, that woman could suck a golf ball through a garden hose…”  Chances are good he won’t be dropping by again any time soon.

If anyone within earshot of me apologizes by saying, “My bad,” I will gut them with a melon-baller and strangle them with their own intestines.  Not that I feel strongly about it or anything.  It's quite possibly the most infantile phrase to come out of the English language since...ever.  I don’t care if you’re a gang-banger in L.A. or a Wall Street shark, you sound like a 10 year-old on the playground who accidentally broke a window during a game of stickball.  It's not cute, it's not clever.  It serves only to reveal how much of an unimaginative twit you are, so I suggest knocking it off.  (Not kidding about the melon-baller.)

And finally, do not, do not, do NOT ever say, “Borrow me some money.”  You should say, “Loan me some money.”  Why?  Because otherwise, you’re prostituting yourself.  You’re saying, “Borrow me for some money.”  So unless you're a hooker, you may want to pay attention to this one. 

These are a few of the worst offenders.  Sadly, there are others.  Needless to say, more to come...

It ain't a word, stupid.

The state of the English language today is such that within ten years, we will all have reverted back to hooting and grunting to communicate.  Think I’m exaggerating?  Well, when I see LOL and OMG becoming mainstays, I know it’s only a matter of time before we’re once again wearing animal skins and terrified of that wavy orange stuff that burns when you touch it.

I think my biggest bitch is how lazy people have gotten.  Words are created out of thin air because they’re (not their) just a tiny bit shorter.  The worst offender?  “Snuck.”  THIS IS NOT A WORD, FOLKS!  How do I know this?  Because my Oxford English Dictionary tells me so.  Honestly, it sounds like something you do when you need to reel in a booger that’s hanging out of your nose instead of the past tense of “sneak.”  If you watch older TV shows and movies, everyone says “sneaked”, not “snuck.”  Look at it this way.  Take the word “peek.”  The boy peeked around the corner.  Hid did not "puck" around the corner.  Or how about “leak?”  The air leaked out of the tire.  It did not "luck" out of the tire.  Snuck sounds pretty dumb now, huh?  Know why?  BECAUSE IT’S NOT A WORD!  Jeez...

Now here’s a simple question for you…what’s a drug?  Medicine, yes.  Absolutely.  It is not the past tense of “drag” no matter how many people use it that way.  The past tense of “to drag” is “dragged.”  Not terribly difficult, is it?  Need proof that it’s illogical and oh-so wrong to use "drug" and not "dragged?"  Try this - The dog “wagged” his tail.  He didn’t “wug” it.  The tired runner “lagged” behind.  He didn’t “lug” behind.  The bratty kid "nagged" his mother.  He didn't "nug" her.  See where I’m going?  Although “drug” is a word (unlike snuck), it is not to be used in the way you are using it.  And when you do use it that way, you’re shining a million-watt spotlight on your ignorance.

I'll bring you some of my other major pet peeves soon.  Need to get my blood pressure under control first...

Good People?

There's an ad on the radio that makes me crazy.  They use the phrase, "He's good people."  Okay.  Listen up.  No he's not.  The only way this statement would be true is if he has a multiple personality disorder.  He might be a good person, he is not good people.  So stop it.