A certain percentage of the human population feels it’s perfectly fine to ask the question, “Hot enough for ya?” To these people, and you know who they are, I suggest replying as follows: “Nah. I’m not happy unless my innards are boiling, my hair bursts into flames, and my genitalia explode...you freakin' moron.” Another favorite reply is, "No. It's not hot enough unless fat guys are making their own gravy." Either way, I guarantee they will never ask you that again.
At your place of work, there are those who periodically find their way over to you and ask, “Are we having fun yet?” If you can manage to resist the urge to stab them in the throat with a letter opener, I recommend saying, “Not as much fun as I had with your wife yesterday afternoon. Boy, that woman could suck a golf ball through a garden hose…” Chances are good he won’t be dropping by again any time soon.
If anyone within earshot of me apologizes by saying, “My bad,” I will gut them with a melon-baller and strangle them with their own intestines. Not that I feel strongly about it or anything. It's quite possibly the most infantile phrase to come out of the English language since...ever. I don’t care if you’re a gang-banger in L.A. or a Wall Street shark, you sound like a 10 year-old on the playground who accidentally broke a window during a game of stickball. It's not cute, it's not clever. It serves only to reveal how much of an unimaginative twit you are, so I suggest knocking it off. (Not kidding about the melon-baller.)
And finally, do not, do not, do NOT ever say, “Borrow me some money.” You should say, “Loan me some money.” Why? Because otherwise, you’re prostituting yourself. You’re saying, “Borrow me for some money.” So unless you're a hooker, you may want to pay attention to this one.
These are a few of the worst offenders. Sadly, there are others. Needless to say, more to come...
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