Mercy? Really? (This post is rated R.)

Recently, a man convicted of killing a correctional officer here in Sioux Falls was sentenced to death by the presiding judge.  After the pronouncement, the judge said, "May God have mercy on your soul."  This isn't anything new.  We hear it all the time when someone is slated to get murdered by the state.  It's one of those expressions that has become so ensconced in our society that we no longer pay it any mind.  But if you stop and think about it for a moment, you'll realize how stupid it is. 

A man murders another man in cold blood.  The judge decrees that because of this heinous act, the killer must die.  Now, here's where the logic goes awry.  Even though the judge believes this man is so evil that he should be permanently removed from the human race, he still wants God to have mercy on him.  Why?  Why would he want the man's soul to go anywhere but hell?  If it were me, I would have said, "May a demon with a foot-long cock wrapped in barbed wire ass-rape you daily in the sub-basement of hell."  I think if we can get enough judges to start saying this instead, it'll be a good first step toward restoring a modicum of common sense to the criminal justice system.

The Apex of Stupid

Here's a scenario I'd like you to think about.  Your kid's not feeling well so you take him to see a doctor (let's call him Dr. B).  This doc says he knows exactly what's wrong with your child and prescribes medication.  You diligently give the medicine but after a few days, the condition gets worse.  You think to yourself, well, Dr. B spoke with authority and conviction regarding the diagnosis so I better give the medicine some more time.  It should work.  The doctor said it would.

After a few more days, your child falls gravely ill and you rush him to the emergency room.  They run many tests.  Finally, the ER doctor (let's call him Dr. O) emerges with startling news.  Dr. B not only misdiagnosed your child, he prescribed medication that made the condition worse.  Dr. O, however, advises that your child will be OK but it will be slow recovery process and that you will need to be patient. 

Now here's my question for you:  if your child isn't back to perfect health in the next few days following the ER visit, would you take him back to Dr. B?  Of course not.  You'd be the worst parent in the world, not to mention an idiot.  You'd be contemplating legal action against Dr. B, not letting the guy have another go at your kid.  It's just common sense.

So here's my point:  why would you even consider listening to Republican plans to fix the economy when it was the policies of the Bush administration that drove it into the ground in the first place?  We had a budget surplus under Clinton.  Now look at it.  Obama's the ER doc who told us we needed to be patient.  Yet everyone thinks the folks that caused the problem are the best people to fix it.  Ever heard of the definition of crazy?  It's doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.  If you think the Republicans can repair our economy using the same policies that wrecked it, then you're freaking nuts.

Crying or crying wolf?

I live less than a block away from an elementary school.  At recess time, hundreds of boys and girls spill out onto the playground.  Within minutes, I hear screams that one would normally associate with a person being murdered.  For weeks after I first moved here, I almost called the police more than once because I would have sworn some kid was getting tortured to death.  Eventually, the screams became white noise to me...and that's scary.  What if the kid really is in trouble?  How would I know?  Nowadays, a man standing next to a playground watching children is more than a little suspect so I can't exactly play catcher in the rye here.  Maybe it's time for parents and teachers to explain to the kids that using their "outside" voice shouldn't include their "being murdered" voice. 

Here's something to think about:  what would it be like if all the adults who spilled out of their office building for a smoke break starting screaming their heads off as if being gutted by a serial killer?  Maybe I'll give it a try, see if anyone notices...

A head-scratcher...

I drive by a billboard the size of a Buick every day that says, "Stay ten feet away.  Stay safe.  Stay alive."  Stay away from what?  The edge of a cliff?  A cranky honey badger?  A narcoleptic hillbilly with a chainsaw?  In the bottom corner of the sign is the name of the local power company.  OK.  So...what?  Stay ten feet away from downed power lines?  From the telephone during a thunderstorm?  From a trigger-happy cop with a Taser?  If staying ten feet away from something will keep people alive, why the hell would you advertise on a massive billboard and then be vague about it? 

The "Duh" in "Team"

When I was in high school, I didn't play sports.  Shocker, eh?  I did attend the games to support my friends, and when speaking of our team with others, I would say things like, "We're doing so well this year, I think we'll make it to the state finals."  This was normal because it was my class in my school. 

A massive pet peeve of mine is when adults speak the same way about professional sports teams.  It makes them sound ridiculous.  They don't even live in the same state as their team yet talk as if they're a member of the organization.  They'll exclaim, "We made the playoffs!" 

No, they made the playoffs.  You made nacho dip and are sitting on the couch stratching your beer gut, so stop deluding yourself. 

Real quick...

Had a thought in the car today while cursing the morons who text and drive.  (You know what's fun?  Pull up along side of them and then blare your horn.)  So here's the thing...people use LOL when texting.  I don't.  Ever.  But some do.  It means Laugh or Laughing Out Loud.  Nobody is actually laughing when they use this.  Lying bastards.  LOL is a cute little acronym but utterly stupid.  If you find a text humorous, why wouldn't you simply reply with "HA"?  An existing, shorter word that has a glimmer of intelligence behind it?  The same rings true with OMG (Oh My God).  Why not just use "AH"?  And for WTF (you know what it means), use "HUH?".  I'm a huge fan of keeping things simple.  And seriously, have you ever laughed your ass off (LMAO) or found yourself rolling on the floor laughing (ROFL)?  You have not, so stop using these idiotic expressions.  Thank you, and good night.

War is hell...duh.

If someone becomes a firefighter, it's reasonable to assume that one day, they will be required to fight a fire.  If someone becomes a cop, they might be a victim of criminal violence.  When's the last time you heard of any cop or firefighter or any member of their family bemoan the dangers involved with these vocations?  You don't.  Why?  Because it would be stupid.  You don't hear, "I joined the fire department but didn't think they'd send me to battle deadly fires."  Neither do you hear, "I wanted to be a police officer but didn't expect to be sent in to stop armed robbers or drunken wife beaters."  You don't ever hear such things because these folks and their loved ones know the risks.

So why is it that we hear so much complaining and protesting from the families of soldiers and even from the soldiers themselves?  "Sure, I joined the National Guard but I didn't expect to be deployed, didn't expect to be asked to guard our nation."  "My child shouldn't have to fight in such an unpopular war."  Or even, "My child died for nothing."  This attitude is an insult to the memory of those who sacrified themselves for our country. 

I'm a left-wing liberal and not really a fan of America's current military actions.  However...one of my best friends served a year in Afghanistan.  His patrol was attacked by a suicide bomber, and he still carries shrapnel in his body.  It never crossed his or my mind to complain about his orders or about the war in general.  I was pissed at the bomber, not our politicians.  My friend knew the risks when he joined the reserves and I know he knew.  It was his choice.  I don't have to like the war, but I'll be damned if I'll lessen his accomplishment by bitching about it. 

Can't afford to be sick.

I'm not going to complain about the health care system, although it certainly does need complaining about.  Nor will I complain about the greedy drug companies, even though they most definitely need to be complained about.  No, my complaint is about something so insidious, you probably never even thought about it. 

I went to the store to buy a thermometer as I haven't been feeling well.  I wanted your basic, glass and mercury job that have been used by moms for generations.  The kind that cost about a buck.  I searched and searched.  Nothing.  So I asked at the pharmacy.  I was informed they're no longer made as they pose a threat to the environment and to children if they break.  When did this happen?  Have people been breaking their thermometers and dumping the mercury into the water supply or spiking their kids' Lucky Charms with it?  There are reclamation sites for every heavy metal in every town nowadays.  What's really going on? 

When I couldn't purchase my dollar thermometer, I was forced to purchase a digital one for over six bucks.  It was the cheapest available.  I think the companies who make thermometers dreamed up this scheme and are using scare tactics in order to fleece the public.  What else can we do except buy the digital ones?  Go to the doctor?  Yeah, right.  That'd be cheaper.

Uncontrolled Stupidity

Do you know what an uncontrolled intersection is?  Of course you do.  It's an intersection of streets where there are no stop or yield signs nor stoplights.  Do you know what to do when you approach one of these intersections?  Sure you do.  You barrel through it without checking the cross street and pray no one is coming.  Well, that's what everyone in Sioux Falls does.  I swear, I want to buy a cheap truck and just drive around T-boning these idiots.  In case you're interested, you yield to the car on your right.  Are you listening Sioux Falls? 

Stupid enough for ya?

There are words misused in the English language that make me crazy, and then there are phrases that make me want to climb a clock tower with a high-power rifle.  See if you don't disagree...

A certain percentage of the human population feels it’s perfectly fine to ask the question, “Hot enough for ya?”  To these people, and you know who they are, I suggest replying as follows:  “Nah.  I’m not happy unless my innards are boiling, my hair bursts into flames, and my genitalia explode...you freakin' moron.”  Another favorite reply is, "No.  It's not hot enough unless fat guys are making their own gravy."  Either way, I guarantee they will never ask you that again. 

At your place of work, there are those who periodically find their way over to you and ask, “Are we having fun yet?”  If you can manage to resist the urge to stab them in the throat with a letter opener, I recommend saying, “Not as much fun as I had with your wife yesterday afternoon.  Boy, that woman could suck a golf ball through a garden hose…”  Chances are good he won’t be dropping by again any time soon.

If anyone within earshot of me apologizes by saying, “My bad,” I will gut them with a melon-baller and strangle them with their own intestines.  Not that I feel strongly about it or anything.  It's quite possibly the most infantile phrase to come out of the English language since...ever.  I don’t care if you’re a gang-banger in L.A. or a Wall Street shark, you sound like a 10 year-old on the playground who accidentally broke a window during a game of stickball.  It's not cute, it's not clever.  It serves only to reveal how much of an unimaginative twit you are, so I suggest knocking it off.  (Not kidding about the melon-baller.)

And finally, do not, do not, do NOT ever say, “Borrow me some money.”  You should say, “Loan me some money.”  Why?  Because otherwise, you’re prostituting yourself.  You’re saying, “Borrow me for some money.”  So unless you're a hooker, you may want to pay attention to this one. 

These are a few of the worst offenders.  Sadly, there are others.  Needless to say, more to come...

It ain't a word, stupid.

The state of the English language today is such that within ten years, we will all have reverted back to hooting and grunting to communicate.  Think I’m exaggerating?  Well, when I see LOL and OMG becoming mainstays, I know it’s only a matter of time before we’re once again wearing animal skins and terrified of that wavy orange stuff that burns when you touch it.

I think my biggest bitch is how lazy people have gotten.  Words are created out of thin air because they’re (not their) just a tiny bit shorter.  The worst offender?  “Snuck.”  THIS IS NOT A WORD, FOLKS!  How do I know this?  Because my Oxford English Dictionary tells me so.  Honestly, it sounds like something you do when you need to reel in a booger that’s hanging out of your nose instead of the past tense of “sneak.”  If you watch older TV shows and movies, everyone says “sneaked”, not “snuck.”  Look at it this way.  Take the word “peek.”  The boy peeked around the corner.  Hid did not "puck" around the corner.  Or how about “leak?”  The air leaked out of the tire.  It did not "luck" out of the tire.  Snuck sounds pretty dumb now, huh?  Know why?  BECAUSE IT’S NOT A WORD!  Jeez...

Now here’s a simple question for you…what’s a drug?  Medicine, yes.  Absolutely.  It is not the past tense of “drag” no matter how many people use it that way.  The past tense of “to drag” is “dragged.”  Not terribly difficult, is it?  Need proof that it’s illogical and oh-so wrong to use "drug" and not "dragged?"  Try this - The dog “wagged” his tail.  He didn’t “wug” it.  The tired runner “lagged” behind.  He didn’t “lug” behind.  The bratty kid "nagged" his mother.  He didn't "nug" her.  See where I’m going?  Although “drug” is a word (unlike snuck), it is not to be used in the way you are using it.  And when you do use it that way, you’re shining a million-watt spotlight on your ignorance.

I'll bring you some of my other major pet peeves soon.  Need to get my blood pressure under control first...

Good People?

There's an ad on the radio that makes me crazy.  They use the phrase, "He's good people."  Okay.  Listen up.  No he's not.  The only way this statement would be true is if he has a multiple personality disorder.  He might be a good person, he is not good people.  So stop it.

Michele Bachmann

Enough said.

Cloudy with a chance of stupid.

It's bad enough that when it comes to forecasting, the weather people usually can't find their asses with both hands and a bloodhound.  There is that unpredictability factor, though, that will never be completely conquered so some screw-ups can be forgiven.  No, what I'm talking about is inexcusable and light years beyond stupid. 

So I wake up, turn on the TV, and take a quick look at the Weather Channel (honestly, I don't know why I torture myself).  They do a thing called Local on the 8's.  A guy's voice says, "Currently in your area..." and then gives the temperature and sky condition.  This time, he says, "Sunny and 67."  I look out the window.  I look out all the windows.  What do you suppose I see?  I see not one sliver of blue sky.  Anywhere.  I see nothing but a sky filled horizon to horizon with gray clouds.  Maybe this information was broadcast specifically for those in airplanes, you know, for folks who happen to be above the clouds.  I waited eight minutes until the next update just to make sure I wasn't missing something.  I wasn't.  Well, they were half right, I guess.  It was 67 degrees.

I used to say that you should never trust a meteorologist's forecast that goes further than tomorrow.  Now, I can safely say you should never trust a meteorologist, period.  Want to know what the weather is?  Step outside.  Too bad the over-paid professionals at the National Weather Service and your local news station never think of doing that.

People with small penises...

I suppose this would apply mostly to guys.  There is this theory that men who drive loud, flashy vehicles are compensating for the fact that their gentlemen sausage is rather more like a little smokie.  I am unaware of any scientific study to support this, but it's either this or they're simply stupid.  Recently, my normally quiet residential street was made into a detour route for a busy road that's under construction.  Cars, trucks, and motorcycles of all flavors now grace my neighborhood with their noises. 

First, there are the Harleys.  I like Harleys, always have.  If I could afford to have a midlife crisis, you can bet your sweet bippy I'd get me one.  I would not, however, blast down quiet streets so that the only slightly muffled exhaust pipes cackle and roar as if heralding the end of the world.  Now, I know a little about motorcycles and I'm certain this noise is not necessary in order to make it, you know, go.  These guys who choose to drive their hog in this manner might as well be screaming, "Look at me!  Look at me!  I have low self-esteem and need your attention and respect to make me feel better about my tiny willy."  Although I would keep this comment to myself if the rider is sporting a leather jacket with the words "Hell's Angels" on the back.

Second, there are the stereos.  You know the ones.  Dude has a $2000 car and pumps $10,000 into the sound system.  It's not merely stupid, it's insane.  This is like buying a $100,000 house and then dumping half a million bucks into a home theater system.  Honestly, if you heard that your neighbor did that, you'd keep your kids from stopping there on Halloween and also finally plant that privacy hedge.  Anyway, you hear these cars coming three blocks away, or rather you feel them coming.  It's the window-rattling thumping that is the tell-tale sign.  Again, with the "Hey, look at me!" and micro man-package.  You may be thinking that these guys just like a lot of bass in their music and can be forgiven.  They cannot and here's why:  the frequency of the sound waves that create that deep, bass beat is very long...like 20 feet long.  In other words, while in their own car, they can't even hear the bass.  They're too close to the speakers.  Instead, they are giving the gift of music to the rest of us.  Isn't that sweet of them?  (They should all be trapped in elevators and played nothing but muzak versions of Celine Dion songs.) 

So if you fall into either of the two above groups, buy a ruler or take an IQ test to figure out what your problem is.  It's time to face your shortcomings.

June is pride month...

They (whoever "they" are) have decreed that the month of June should be set aside for members of the gay and lesbian community.  It's their month to show how proud they are to be homosexual.  I guess.  The logic of this is strange.  I am a member of this community but can't say that I'm proud of it.  I'm not ashamed nor am I embarrassed either.  It's just that....well, what's there to be proud of?  I'm white, too.  Should I be proud of that?  Should I be proud to be Norwegian, or an American?  How can you be proud of something you have no control over?  I could have been born a straight, black, Haitian man.  Should I be proud that I wasn't?  Nope.  How can you claim pride of an accident of circumstance?

So what am I proud of?  I am proud of the novel I've written.  I'm proud of work I do and the fact that many people consider me a friend.  In other words, I'm proud of things that I can control.  Be proud of what you do and how you act, not who you are.  If everyone did that, there would be far fewer wars and far less animosity and fear in this world.  And way less stupidity.

If you voted for Obama, shut up...

The economy sucks balls and has for a while.  This isn't news.  If you have half a brain then you know how it got to the current ball-sucking point, that is to say the previous administration was asleep at the economic switch.  So in comes a new president.  Now, here's the part you need to pay attention to because from all the whining going on these days I think most folks' memory spans have shrunk to that of a dung beetle.  In his acceptance speech on the night he won by a landslide, Mr. Obama said that it would be a very difficult road ahead.  It would years to climb out of the hole the economy was in, maybe even take longer than his first term as president.  But he said no matter how long it took, he'd get us there.  Everyone cheered.  Yay!  We're with you!  We support you!  We believe you, Mr. President! 

If you were one of these supporters on that night but are now complaining that only three years down the road the country isn't swimming in money and prosperity, you are a child and need to shut your pie-hole.  It took a world war to pull us out of the depression of 1929.  Think about that a second.  We didn't enter the war until 1941.  President Obama has had three years.  No president, not FDR, not Kennedy, not even Clinton could pull us out of this crap in that short of time.  Obama knew that and said so.  Repeatedly.  You, if you supported him back then, were fully aware of this when you voted.  So shut the hell up and let the man do his job. 

Are you smarter than a vampire?

I've been watching episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel on Netflix and I've come to the conclusion that for all of their age and experience, vampires are pretty dumb.  Let me rephrase...the writers of this crap are dumb.  Why?  Well, if your main weakness is an aversion to wood piercing your heart, do you continue to wear frilly white pirate shirts made of silk or designer black tees made of linen or Egyptian cotton?  Or do you find yourself some Kevlar right the hell now?  Chain-mail would also work.  What's the main complaint of cops and soldiers about body armor?  It's too hot.  Not like these creatures of the night have to worry about that.  So if you're a vampire and die from a stake to the heart, you deserve it because you're an idiot.

On the other side of it, if you're someone who encounters vampires on a regular basis, you should be taking garlic pills every day and washing them down with holy water.  Speaking of holy water, why wouldn't you take a super-soaker squirt gun filled with the stuff along with your stakes and crosses?  Or better yet, why wouldn't you make wooden bullets and use a Glock instead of relying on weak-ass crossbows?  My favorite idea (I came up with this a few days ago) is to load an butt-load of paintballs with holy water and garlic powder.  Anybody can use a paintball gun.  But I guess Hollywood writers aren't too interested in common sense.  The fact that this surprises me actually makes me a bit of a moron. 

The perfect job...

I have discovered, is a weatherman.  I guess they're called meteorologists now (admit it, when you first heard this word you thought it was somebody who studied meteors).  Why the perfect job?  Think about it...what other profession will let you screw up more than 50% of the time and not get you fired?  Ever heard of quality control at the National Weather Service?  Nope.  And here's what pisses me off the most:  if it's Monday and they forecast sunny skies and warm temperatures for, say, Wednesday and then Wednesday turns out to be cloudy and cool, do you think they apologize for being massively, horribly wrong?  Again, nope.  I applaud the folks in New York who attempted to sue the weather folks for predicting a blizzard that never came (the city spent millions in preparations).  That's what they need, these meteorologists, incentive to not fuck up.  We all have that incentive.  It's called getting fired for sucking at your job. 

And why for the love of Christ do they even bother with extended or long-range forecasts?  They are never right.  Keep track sometime.  Keep Monday's newspaper for a full week and see how accurate they are.  Oh, I know what they'd say.  Weather patterns are constantly changing, that it's impossible to be exact 100% of the time.  No kidding.  But then why do they even bother trying?  One day.  That's how far in the future they should be allowed to make predictions.  Anything more than that...you might as well use a Magic 8 Ball. 

I really think we are...

sometimes.  Too stupid to live.  And I'm not singling out any particular group.  Human beings, for all our evolution and technological advances are, in my opinion, getting dumber.  Read a newspaper or watch the news on TV or hell, just leave the house and you'll see what I mean.  From the McDonalds hot coffee lawsuit to apocalypse nut-jobs to Sarah Palin, this world is going downhill fast and I'm beginning to think we need to dump some chlorine into the gene pool.  Or at the very least, call people on their dumb-ass behavior.  Ignoring stupidity won't make it go away.  Look what it got the Germans 70 years ago.  So I created this blog to basically rant about all things moronic, idiotic, hypocritical, and flat-out stupid that have invaded human society.  I used to just shake my head and move on with my life.  No more.  Whether one person or a hundred persons find their way to this blog, I'm going to write what irks me and should irk you.  And to that end, I welcome your comments whole-heartedly.  My first irk will be about the weather.  You'll see what I mean...