Michele Bachmann

Enough said.

Cloudy with a chance of stupid.

It's bad enough that when it comes to forecasting, the weather people usually can't find their asses with both hands and a bloodhound.  There is that unpredictability factor, though, that will never be completely conquered so some screw-ups can be forgiven.  No, what I'm talking about is inexcusable and light years beyond stupid. 

So I wake up, turn on the TV, and take a quick look at the Weather Channel (honestly, I don't know why I torture myself).  They do a thing called Local on the 8's.  A guy's voice says, "Currently in your area..." and then gives the temperature and sky condition.  This time, he says, "Sunny and 67."  I look out the window.  I look out all the windows.  What do you suppose I see?  I see not one sliver of blue sky.  Anywhere.  I see nothing but a sky filled horizon to horizon with gray clouds.  Maybe this information was broadcast specifically for those in airplanes, you know, for folks who happen to be above the clouds.  I waited eight minutes until the next update just to make sure I wasn't missing something.  I wasn't.  Well, they were half right, I guess.  It was 67 degrees.

I used to say that you should never trust a meteorologist's forecast that goes further than tomorrow.  Now, I can safely say you should never trust a meteorologist, period.  Want to know what the weather is?  Step outside.  Too bad the over-paid professionals at the National Weather Service and your local news station never think of doing that.

People with small penises...

I suppose this would apply mostly to guys.  There is this theory that men who drive loud, flashy vehicles are compensating for the fact that their gentlemen sausage is rather more like a little smokie.  I am unaware of any scientific study to support this, but it's either this or they're simply stupid.  Recently, my normally quiet residential street was made into a detour route for a busy road that's under construction.  Cars, trucks, and motorcycles of all flavors now grace my neighborhood with their noises. 

First, there are the Harleys.  I like Harleys, always have.  If I could afford to have a midlife crisis, you can bet your sweet bippy I'd get me one.  I would not, however, blast down quiet streets so that the only slightly muffled exhaust pipes cackle and roar as if heralding the end of the world.  Now, I know a little about motorcycles and I'm certain this noise is not necessary in order to make it, you know, go.  These guys who choose to drive their hog in this manner might as well be screaming, "Look at me!  Look at me!  I have low self-esteem and need your attention and respect to make me feel better about my tiny willy."  Although I would keep this comment to myself if the rider is sporting a leather jacket with the words "Hell's Angels" on the back.

Second, there are the stereos.  You know the ones.  Dude has a $2000 car and pumps $10,000 into the sound system.  It's not merely stupid, it's insane.  This is like buying a $100,000 house and then dumping half a million bucks into a home theater system.  Honestly, if you heard that your neighbor did that, you'd keep your kids from stopping there on Halloween and also finally plant that privacy hedge.  Anyway, you hear these cars coming three blocks away, or rather you feel them coming.  It's the window-rattling thumping that is the tell-tale sign.  Again, with the "Hey, look at me!" and micro man-package.  You may be thinking that these guys just like a lot of bass in their music and can be forgiven.  They cannot and here's why:  the frequency of the sound waves that create that deep, bass beat is very long...like 20 feet long.  In other words, while in their own car, they can't even hear the bass.  They're too close to the speakers.  Instead, they are giving the gift of music to the rest of us.  Isn't that sweet of them?  (They should all be trapped in elevators and played nothing but muzak versions of Celine Dion songs.) 

So if you fall into either of the two above groups, buy a ruler or take an IQ test to figure out what your problem is.  It's time to face your shortcomings.

June is pride month...

They (whoever "they" are) have decreed that the month of June should be set aside for members of the gay and lesbian community.  It's their month to show how proud they are to be homosexual.  I guess.  The logic of this is strange.  I am a member of this community but can't say that I'm proud of it.  I'm not ashamed nor am I embarrassed either.  It's just that....well, what's there to be proud of?  I'm white, too.  Should I be proud of that?  Should I be proud to be Norwegian, or an American?  How can you be proud of something you have no control over?  I could have been born a straight, black, Haitian man.  Should I be proud that I wasn't?  Nope.  How can you claim pride of an accident of circumstance?

So what am I proud of?  I am proud of the novel I've written.  I'm proud of work I do and the fact that many people consider me a friend.  In other words, I'm proud of things that I can control.  Be proud of what you do and how you act, not who you are.  If everyone did that, there would be far fewer wars and far less animosity and fear in this world.  And way less stupidity.

If you voted for Obama, shut up...

The economy sucks balls and has for a while.  This isn't news.  If you have half a brain then you know how it got to the current ball-sucking point, that is to say the previous administration was asleep at the economic switch.  So in comes a new president.  Now, here's the part you need to pay attention to because from all the whining going on these days I think most folks' memory spans have shrunk to that of a dung beetle.  In his acceptance speech on the night he won by a landslide, Mr. Obama said that it would be a very difficult road ahead.  It would years to climb out of the hole the economy was in, maybe even take longer than his first term as president.  But he said no matter how long it took, he'd get us there.  Everyone cheered.  Yay!  We're with you!  We support you!  We believe you, Mr. President! 

If you were one of these supporters on that night but are now complaining that only three years down the road the country isn't swimming in money and prosperity, you are a child and need to shut your pie-hole.  It took a world war to pull us out of the depression of 1929.  Think about that a second.  We didn't enter the war until 1941.  President Obama has had three years.  No president, not FDR, not Kennedy, not even Clinton could pull us out of this crap in that short of time.  Obama knew that and said so.  Repeatedly.  You, if you supported him back then, were fully aware of this when you voted.  So shut the hell up and let the man do his job. 

Are you smarter than a vampire?

I've been watching episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel on Netflix and I've come to the conclusion that for all of their age and experience, vampires are pretty dumb.  Let me rephrase...the writers of this crap are dumb.  Why?  Well, if your main weakness is an aversion to wood piercing your heart, do you continue to wear frilly white pirate shirts made of silk or designer black tees made of linen or Egyptian cotton?  Or do you find yourself some Kevlar right the hell now?  Chain-mail would also work.  What's the main complaint of cops and soldiers about body armor?  It's too hot.  Not like these creatures of the night have to worry about that.  So if you're a vampire and die from a stake to the heart, you deserve it because you're an idiot.

On the other side of it, if you're someone who encounters vampires on a regular basis, you should be taking garlic pills every day and washing them down with holy water.  Speaking of holy water, why wouldn't you take a super-soaker squirt gun filled with the stuff along with your stakes and crosses?  Or better yet, why wouldn't you make wooden bullets and use a Glock instead of relying on weak-ass crossbows?  My favorite idea (I came up with this a few days ago) is to load an butt-load of paintballs with holy water and garlic powder.  Anybody can use a paintball gun.  But I guess Hollywood writers aren't too interested in common sense.  The fact that this surprises me actually makes me a bit of a moron. 

The perfect job...

I have discovered, is a weatherman.  I guess they're called meteorologists now (admit it, when you first heard this word you thought it was somebody who studied meteors).  Why the perfect job?  Think about it...what other profession will let you screw up more than 50% of the time and not get you fired?  Ever heard of quality control at the National Weather Service?  Nope.  And here's what pisses me off the most:  if it's Monday and they forecast sunny skies and warm temperatures for, say, Wednesday and then Wednesday turns out to be cloudy and cool, do you think they apologize for being massively, horribly wrong?  Again, nope.  I applaud the folks in New York who attempted to sue the weather folks for predicting a blizzard that never came (the city spent millions in preparations).  That's what they need, these meteorologists, incentive to not fuck up.  We all have that incentive.  It's called getting fired for sucking at your job. 

And why for the love of Christ do they even bother with extended or long-range forecasts?  They are never right.  Keep track sometime.  Keep Monday's newspaper for a full week and see how accurate they are.  Oh, I know what they'd say.  Weather patterns are constantly changing, that it's impossible to be exact 100% of the time.  No kidding.  But then why do they even bother trying?  One day.  That's how far in the future they should be allowed to make predictions.  Anything more than that...you might as well use a Magic 8 Ball. 

I really think we are...

sometimes.  Too stupid to live.  And I'm not singling out any particular group.  Human beings, for all our evolution and technological advances are, in my opinion, getting dumber.  Read a newspaper or watch the news on TV or hell, just leave the house and you'll see what I mean.  From the McDonalds hot coffee lawsuit to apocalypse nut-jobs to Sarah Palin, this world is going downhill fast and I'm beginning to think we need to dump some chlorine into the gene pool.  Or at the very least, call people on their dumb-ass behavior.  Ignoring stupidity won't make it go away.  Look what it got the Germans 70 years ago.  So I created this blog to basically rant about all things moronic, idiotic, hypocritical, and flat-out stupid that have invaded human society.  I used to just shake my head and move on with my life.  No more.  Whether one person or a hundred persons find their way to this blog, I'm going to write what irks me and should irk you.  And to that end, I welcome your comments whole-heartedly.  My first irk will be about the weather.  You'll see what I mean...