Seriously?

I just went a picked up some movie tickets.  There's a huge cardborad cut-out for the new remake of Total Recall.  The actor in the cut-out looks like Colin Farrell.  So I asked the kid selling tickets, "Hey, is that Colin Farrell?"  His answer, and I'm not kidding, was, "Oh, I wouldn't know."  Uh...if you don't know, buddy, who the hell would?  You work at a movie theater, for Christ's sake.  That's like going to a car dealer and asking, "Hey, what kind of car is that?" and the dealer responding, "Oh, I wouldn't know."  Are you going to buy a car from this guy? 

Nothing Worse...

There's a commercial playing on TV right now hyping the convenience of online postage.  A guy in the ad says, "There's nothing worse than waiting in line at the post office."  Really?  Nothing worse, huh?  How about herpes?  That's worse.  Or maybe finding out your wife's been cheating on you with your fatter, uglier best friend.  An IRS audit is worse.  A hangnail is worse.  Waiting in line for a ride at Disney World in high heat and ass-wilting humidity with a brood of screaming kids is worse.  Getting murdered by a psycho in a bunny mask is worse.  Road construction is worse.  A rogue comet slamming into the earth is worse.  Heck, even burning the roof of your mouth on too hot pizza is worse.  There are a million and one things worse than waiting in line at the post office...and watching stupid TV commercials is one of them.

Mercy? Really? (This post is rated R.)

Recently, a man convicted of killing a correctional officer here in Sioux Falls was sentenced to death by the presiding judge.  After the pronouncement, the judge said, "May God have mercy on your soul."  This isn't anything new.  We hear it all the time when someone is slated to get murdered by the state.  It's one of those expressions that has become so ensconced in our society that we no longer pay it any mind.  But if you stop and think about it for a moment, you'll realize how stupid it is. 

A man murders another man in cold blood.  The judge decrees that because of this heinous act, the killer must die.  Now, here's where the logic goes awry.  Even though the judge believes this man is so evil that he should be permanently removed from the human race, he still wants God to have mercy on him.  Why?  Why would he want the man's soul to go anywhere but hell?  If it were me, I would have said, "May a demon with a foot-long cock wrapped in barbed wire ass-rape you daily in the sub-basement of hell."  I think if we can get enough judges to start saying this instead, it'll be a good first step toward restoring a modicum of common sense to the criminal justice system.

The Apex of Stupid

Here's a scenario I'd like you to think about.  Your kid's not feeling well so you take him to see a doctor (let's call him Dr. B).  This doc says he knows exactly what's wrong with your child and prescribes medication.  You diligently give the medicine but after a few days, the condition gets worse.  You think to yourself, well, Dr. B spoke with authority and conviction regarding the diagnosis so I better give the medicine some more time.  It should work.  The doctor said it would.

After a few more days, your child falls gravely ill and you rush him to the emergency room.  They run many tests.  Finally, the ER doctor (let's call him Dr. O) emerges with startling news.  Dr. B not only misdiagnosed your child, he prescribed medication that made the condition worse.  Dr. O, however, advises that your child will be OK but it will be slow recovery process and that you will need to be patient. 

Now here's my question for you:  if your child isn't back to perfect health in the next few days following the ER visit, would you take him back to Dr. B?  Of course not.  You'd be the worst parent in the world, not to mention an idiot.  You'd be contemplating legal action against Dr. B, not letting the guy have another go at your kid.  It's just common sense.

So here's my point:  why would you even consider listening to Republican plans to fix the economy when it was the policies of the Bush administration that drove it into the ground in the first place?  We had a budget surplus under Clinton.  Now look at it.  Obama's the ER doc who told us we needed to be patient.  Yet everyone thinks the folks that caused the problem are the best people to fix it.  Ever heard of the definition of crazy?  It's doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.  If you think the Republicans can repair our economy using the same policies that wrecked it, then you're freaking nuts.

Crying or crying wolf?

I live less than a block away from an elementary school.  At recess time, hundreds of boys and girls spill out onto the playground.  Within minutes, I hear screams that one would normally associate with a person being murdered.  For weeks after I first moved here, I almost called the police more than once because I would have sworn some kid was getting tortured to death.  Eventually, the screams became white noise to me...and that's scary.  What if the kid really is in trouble?  How would I know?  Nowadays, a man standing next to a playground watching children is more than a little suspect so I can't exactly play catcher in the rye here.  Maybe it's time for parents and teachers to explain to the kids that using their "outside" voice shouldn't include their "being murdered" voice. 

Here's something to think about:  what would it be like if all the adults who spilled out of their office building for a smoke break starting screaming their heads off as if being gutted by a serial killer?  Maybe I'll give it a try, see if anyone notices...

A head-scratcher...

I drive by a billboard the size of a Buick every day that says, "Stay ten feet away.  Stay safe.  Stay alive."  Stay away from what?  The edge of a cliff?  A cranky honey badger?  A narcoleptic hillbilly with a chainsaw?  In the bottom corner of the sign is the name of the local power company.  OK.  So...what?  Stay ten feet away from downed power lines?  From the telephone during a thunderstorm?  From a trigger-happy cop with a Taser?  If staying ten feet away from something will keep people alive, why the hell would you advertise on a massive billboard and then be vague about it? 

The "Duh" in "Team"

When I was in high school, I didn't play sports.  Shocker, eh?  I did attend the games to support my friends, and when speaking of our team with others, I would say things like, "We're doing so well this year, I think we'll make it to the state finals."  This was normal because it was my class in my school. 

A massive pet peeve of mine is when adults speak the same way about professional sports teams.  It makes them sound ridiculous.  They don't even live in the same state as their team yet talk as if they're a member of the organization.  They'll exclaim, "We made the playoffs!" 

No, they made the playoffs.  You made nacho dip and are sitting on the couch stratching your beer gut, so stop deluding yourself.